CandaceAlicia

INHALE....

So you thought you’ve experienced life? On my simple yet perfect day, I would get up at 8:15am and go to the beach, I would pack food in a picnic basket, throw on a cute summer dress and dab on sun tan oil. I would drive with the top down listening to a CD I mixed, nod my head and sing along with my favorite parts. 

When I get to the beach, I would lay out my blanket and rest my radio on the cooler. After stretching and jogging, I kick my feet around in the water. Realize I miss my girls so I join them to invite me. They show up. We laugh at the fat man in his speedos and have our girl moments over apple juice, fruits and turkey sandwiches.

As the suns rays get warmer, someone says “lets go to the spa”. But before we do that, lets splash in the ocean and take a pic. “MYSPACE!!!”.. and the camera goes click. 

The lady rubs oil into my skin and I almost drift off into bliss thinking random thoughts...mostly about him (smile). I get my nails painted and my hair washed from the smell of ocean water. We go shopping and It doesn’t take me long to find the right size and the right fit. I check out the garment, the design, the stitch, the label because it means more to me than my friends understand, that passion is in me.

We part ways and I rush home, He calls me. 

I dance in the mirror admiring my own reflection, how beautiful. I shower, dress, spray on Ja’dore and I’m out the door. Usher’s “trading places” vibrating the back of my chair. My heart sinks when I see him, but I try to act cool about it. We eat, we laugh, we dance, we connect...I already know he’s the one, and right before we kiss...

The alarm goes off.

I wake up and Its 12:06 pm. I hurry out of bed...woke up late cus I spent the previous night arguing again. I forget to put my summer dress in the dryer so I just throw on a t-shirt and shorts. I still pack my basket, maybe too full. I drive in silence to the beach. 

Its windy, the wind gets all over my towel and the suns rays sting me. I call my girls and none of them can make it so I share my food with the seagulls. I try to run but my feet sink in the sand. I give up, going to the spa would make me feel better. 

The lady is massaging me too hard. Its not enjoyable and my manicure gets messed up on the shower door. 

I go shopping and find my happiness again. I look at the stitching, I look at the garments...I look at the receipts and realize i’ve spent too much money. My passion seems so far away and I’m too addicted to the 9-5 money. 

My phone ringing interrupts my thoughts, Its him. he said he can’t make it.

I go home and get in my zone, start to make dinner, watch a little t.v. and fall asleep.

My girl calls me and says, “lets go somewhere.” I’m not in the mood but I do. I shower, throw on my stylish dress, spray some perfume and go.

I dance and like the buzz the alcohol is giving me. My girls are surrounding me laughing, enjoying themselves, Stares from other girls show how hot we are. I still show them love cause I have no reason to hate them. I walk to the bathroom with Shan leading the way. She pauses. The look on her face wld have made you think someone spilled a drink on her shoes...but naw, it was Him...with her. laughing and enjoying each other, the way we used to. 

My pride is gone as she whispers “I told you so....”

I go home and let the pillow absorb my tears, I wake up the next morning not feeling like myself. Facing my own fears of doubts, regrets, and questions....

Then I hear a voice say “You’re in the fire, everything you’ve gained, you’ve lost. I know your heart. You want to give up but you’re not done going through the fire. Thats where you’ll find yourself. Thats when you’ll have no choice but to depend on me. Thats when all of your questions will be answered, and things you forgot to appreciate will be held in recognition. Thats when you’ll learn to trust me. Even when nothing seems to make sense. Because the same level of hurt, guilt, pain, confusion, frustration, insecurities, and mountains that you’ve dealt with will be the same degree of Love, Happiness, Patience, fulfillment, joy, reward and justification is what you’ll receive in return. stay encouraged...its not as far as you think it may be”

I get up out of bed, dry my tears, wash my face, pack my lunch and head to the beach. Driving with the top down I inhale and take a breathe of fresh air. The sun warms my soul and I’m finally at peace.